All About Me: 2022 Goals

Another year, another reflection and set of goals. As mixed as my record is in achieving what I put in these blog posts, I enjoy the process of reading what I thought I wanted to get done last year, and if it was a matter of failing to meet them, or a change in interests and priorities. Either way, I learn more about myself. Hooray. That was very positive of me. Gross. Moving on.

Last year was an atypical year, and I am going to be building off of it. I’ve got a new skill-based job and career to grow into, and I’ve been reminded how much I can overcome given time. (Though a lot still hurts.)

It’s already February (where did the month go??) so I’ll just get to it.

SMART Things

• Be crafty (coding) – goal: 1 coding project
  It doesn’t have to be big or particularly useful, but I gotta get excited about it. Those are the best rushes. Maybe it’ll be a Eurovision companion app, or maybe the choir organizer I’ve been working at a glacial pace. (I’ll just start over.)
• Be crafty (physical) – goal: 3 yarn or textile projects, bonus: use the sewing machine
  I got into mini boosts of grooves last year, and it was nice to be producing things with my otherwise idle hands! I also have a sewing machine I never really learned how to use (and the little I know is gone from my brain) and that could be a fun new avenue for creativity.
• Cooking by the book – goal: follow 3 new recipes
  With more solo time on my hands, I gotta feed myself! And I need to mix it up with perspectives outside of my comfort zone. I already started experimenting with beef noodle soup and lo mein, so I’m off to a good start! (I’ll combine those to count as one, since I am already familiar with the flavors.)
• Can’t go home if you never leave… – goal: 1 trip for pure leisure
  It has been a longgggg time. Hopefully there can be more. Maybe even a plane??? (I haven’t flown to a vacation since being a plus one to a wedding in…2015? 2014?)
• Stay…in tune? – goal: 2 music projects
  I’m leavin’ it vague ‘cuz I won’t know it till I do it. Collabs kind of fall from the sky.

Now that these are written out, it seems like I have my work cut out for me! A lot of creating to be done! Aiming high I guess.

Other important vibes for the year:

• commit to myself as much as I do to others – when I make plans I do my best to keep ’em, but why don’t I do this for myself? I’m going to try to put dates with myself in my calendar. I’ll try not to make them to do list-y, but anything ranging from “Mon 7pm, repot plants” to “Fri 9pm, Pokémon time”. I can look forward to time with myself, too!
• make time for the people I actually like – the people that matter are often the first ones taken for granted. I will try to more intentionally carve out time for them as well.
• let last year go – when it was still 2021, it was easy to say it was a tough year. Well it’s 2022 now! Pity party no more.
• continue to keep moving – I mean this in a fitness way. I don’t have the same drive as I used to to get particularly ripped or in shape, but as I’m getting older (yes, already) I can feel in my joints that it’s time to use it or lose it. It’s less “do core work to slim down to unrealistic proportions” and more “do core work so I don’t hurt my back just getting up to get water” (true story).
• let the things in my life serve me – instead of wishing my relationships or job or body or anything are not something else, I’m going to try to focus on what they are, and how they might help me either get what I want, or just help me feel good.

There it is! It took me a month of scribbling in my notebook just to type them up in an hour. Oops. Should I add stop procrastinating on my goals list? I think it’s too much of a lost cause.

All About Me: 2021 Recap, Part 2

My year in Instagram: I worked at a friend’s bar, hung out with some pets, cut my hair, went to some outdoor things, and had ice cream.

A lot happened this year. Some of the happier stuff is mentioned in Part 1. This post is meant to see how well I did at achieving my goals. I’m not too optimistic on fulfillment. But I’m okay with that! The main theme was the Diana-issance, and I think it will turn out to be a big year in hindsight. Just hard to see it now in the thick of it.

Overarching goals:

• self-focus – This was in a lot of ways my most selfish year in a while. I was either wallowing in how draining bootcamp or job searching was, processing grief, or getting used to a new job and not really wanting to deal with anything else. So even if I didn’t phrase with with a lot of forgiveness for myself, I’ll give it a ✅
• reset routines and patterns – There was a brief period of time towards the beginning of bootcamp when I was sleeping on time, working out, and cooking healthy. That didn’t last. But I saw a glimpse! ❌
• embracing 2nd adolescence – This one is hard. I did my best, but I also had to face hard facts about getting older. Time is not something you can get back. But forward’s the only way to go! Based on my description of this: “Lessons learned I wish I could tell 18 year old me: Boys are mostly terrible so don’t invest too much energy in them if you can help it; ask for help and take it if offered; and the quickest way to finish something is to actually do it.” .. I’ll call it a wash. ❔

Shrugs. Moving on.

SMART-ish goals:

• podcast prototype (goal: 1 ep) – nope. I have another recording with my friend but it does not resemble a podcast yet and also I don’t actually know where the file is. ❌
• cooking by the book (goal: 3 actual recipes followed) – if I did this, I don’t remember. I still am known for my chaotic cooking which tends to work out, but the point was to push out of my comfort zone, so I still gotta work on that. ❌
  *edit – I checked my journal, and there was some epic week where I made a spanish rice dish and mei fun, both of which I hadn’t made before. but I don’t feel like those quite fit the spirit of the goal.
• no more idle hands (goal: 3 yarn or other craft projects) – I finished a scarf for myself which I love, earwarmers as a gift, and sort of made another gift (it involved Mod Podge, so it must count as a craft, right?). taking the W. ✅
• yolo solo (goal: something just for me, once a month) – I kind of forgot this goal, and I didn’t track it. I also seem to have written in its description that it is vague. As a whole, I have been better about just playing games when I want to, for me (and not say, playing Fortnite hoping someone might be on to join me), or watching a movie here and there. I think I have been happier being on my own than before (as solidified by a recent COVID exposure quarantine situation that flew by) which is a little progress? I got my ear pierced like I’ve wanted to for so long, though technically that didn’t happen in 2021. (But I scheduled it then!) 🆗

Vibes and habits:

• track that – I’ve done pretty great with this one if I may say so myself! I’ve missed days (and weeks at some point) of data, but I’ve been logging more of my emotions and habits, and am actually learning from it! I know that though I’m capable of not drinking for decent stretches of time, that maybe I do it too much. I learned that I tend to do laundry about once every 10 days, which holds no judgement. Just happens to be when I run out of socks I like. Sqkrz is better off now that I track when I clean the litterbox and self-guilt myself when it’s been a little too long. Exercise tracking hasn’t gleaned much, but I know now I should probably combine it with the mood tracker. Basically I’m really excited for habit tracker spreadsheet 2.0 and that is a gift in itself. 😅 ✅
• stay in shapes – I could’ve done better at this, but I’ve embraced yoga-like exercise as exercise, and I’m probably better off for it. I haven’t gone back to martial arts and dance like I had hoped, but this year has more in store. I’m just happy to still be able to touch my toes. 🆗
• make my house a home – some boxes moved to storage, but that’s just delaying the problem. I did put up a few posters, which was a big deal for me! I put down a rug and did part with a box or two and it’s getting a liiiiitle easier. but ultimately I’m far from where I was hoping to be a year ago. ❌
• don’t forget the music – I haven’t forgotten it per se. I want to record more. I want to arrange (and started one…barely). I jump on music-related tasks for SongRise as bandwidth allows. I recorded one or two drunk ukulele songs for friends, which isn’t nothing. I still have full intention to work on side projects when my mental state allows, and so I’m going with a vibe fulfilled. ✅

Other 2021 notes:

• I can’t believe I actually started a new career.
• I also took a few shifts at my friend’s bar and briefly saw a glimpse of the service industry. Didn’t realize I could get that many blisters in sneakers.
• Much less dating than 2020, but somehow, that doesn’t seem like a bad thing.
• Went to at least two concerts, deciding to day of. Spontaneity has been freeing. (There were other planned concerts.)
• Not to bury the lede, but I lost my dad this year. It was not nothing, but as open as I am, this is not something I want to publicly blog about. It did also come with relief and it was not unexpected.
• I spent the second half of the year processing an abusive romantic relationship, which I also don’t feel the need to elaborate on. But I feel it important to mention in these annals. Because like I said, it’s been a big year. But I won’t know it until it’s further in the rear view mirror.

Onwards, to 2022! Hopefully new goals coming soon.

All About Me: 2021 Recap Part 1, Turkey Edition

Hello hello. Here I am again, early for the annual year end recap, very late for the intended quarterly check-ins. Though I’m tempted to relate this all back to my goals and hopes for 2021, this is going to be more of a stand-alone holiday special where I sit back and mostly talk about positive things.

Because 2021 sucked in a lot of ways for me. There are parts of me that feel betrayed, resentful, or lost in ways I never knew possible. (And I thought I could already hold a lot!) But such is how life goes, and it builds who we are. The bad AND the good. And it happened to take place in a year, amidst still-the-pandemic.

Non-specific privilege, a very important blanket statement

I am thankful for all the things that are more chalked up to privilege (or “better luck”) that have no bearing on my worth as a person. There is so much involved in this, that it’s impossible to list. For example, I managed to get jobs that let me keep a relatively flexible schedule, which help me manage my mental health while staying employed, including offering insurance to help pay for that. I landed a job after coding bootcamp, which I’m sure was in part due to my name-brand college degree (from 14 years ago) getting me past the first round (so often one of the questions was “so how did you get here exactly?”…), which was in part due to attending my magnet high school, which was due to academic-prioritized parents who knew the game enough to force me to try, and also to move me from the Bronx to Staten Island.

There’s nothing like job searching with a close cohort after taking the same 15-week bootcamp, attaining the same exact skills, and seeing how things turn out (and meeting people from cohorts ahead and behind you and seeing the same spread). Luck is winning a raffle, but privilege is getting more tickets.

I had family willing to help financially when I decided to leave my job, a landlord who gave me a break on rent, dear friends happy to feed me and take me out and make sure I felt human even without income…a statement so loaded that it hurts.

A renewed sense of self and autonomy(?)

A thing happens to a person when they have their mid 30s birthdays, especially amid a pandemic. Well, really any amount of aging does it. You learn there are things that matter and things that don’t. You see the opportunities in disappointments.

I spent another Thanksgiving alone (largely by choice), but stubborn as I am, I still wanted to make myself a full turkey meal. And decided that it was I wanted it earlier, and leftovers was the good part, so I made it on Tuesday. Don’t ask me why, but that was a big deal. Throwing convention to the wind! My last big breakup came with relief of taking off a shoe that never did fit quite right and left terrible blisters even though it had great reviews online (a feeling I should’ve felt in the past, but didn’t). Having the opportunity to join a cohort and drop into an environment where no one really knew each other also let me see myself through their eyes and reinvent myself in a way.

Other miscellaneous things because I’m already late in posting this

• bio sisters!
• sisters in song
• long distance friends (esp in different time zones =P)
• friends who invite me to things even though I probably don’t have the spoons (though I might have the money now at least)
• the warmth of a cat
• video games
• Ethiopian food available for delivery
• Safeway frozen pizzas

Till the new year!

All About Me: Hopes for 2021

Oh hey. Been about a month since the new year started but it’s taken a while to get this post going. There are two main reasons for this.

1. DC has been the embodiment of chaos and uncertainty and it was hard to form even short-term goals. Things seem stable for now. I look forward to more news about Biden’s choice in First Feline, but will settle for an endless stream of dog news.
2. A helluva year is already written for me. Or at least, six months.

I’ve decided to leave my job to take on a new endeavour – full-time coding bootcamp!

Yes, y’all, it’s career change/pivot time. I am joining Flatiron School’s February DC (but still virtual) cohort for Software Engineering. If I manage to stay on schedule, I shall emerge in June with megaskills somehow and start contributing to society from a different angle. If you look through my annual posts, you’ll see that coding has been a goal on my mind for quite some time, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. But I wasn’t making the progress I wanted to be making so…why not just apply immense external pressure and a grueling schedule?

I’m excited. But I’m also very busy. Even though I’m still a few weeks out, I’ve been trying to do my part in leaving my current org in good shape, doing 100 hours of prework, and generally figuring out how I’m going to live without a job for the next 6-18 months.

What Lizzo says is gospel

As a result of being a little less in control of…a lot of my life (both in schedule and in luck in finding employment and where that might take me), goals this year are going to be very different than in years past. Most of the time, they involved continued learning and improvement and shall we say, “extracurriculars” and nice-to-haves. The first half of this year has the learning built in and is going to be more about survival and making the most of this hectic period. Sorry plant-based diet and side-projects, y’all are on hold while I eat bacon curled up in a blanket re-watching sci-fi because it’s the only thing I’ve been looking forward to today in my 30 min of free time. Social causes, I still care about you, but other people are gonna have to pick up the slack while I gain superpowers and return. (And I got ideas.)

Enough with the veiled panic. Onwards!

2021 Theme: the Diana-issance

Before we get to actual SMART goals or habits, per se, I think it’s important to acknowledge the overarching guiding principles and intentions for the year. This year is presenting me with a lot of opportunities, and I don’t just mean in the job search in six months.

• Self-focus – This is a goal I’ve had in the past, phrased as self-investment. Starting bootcamp definitely counts! If you know me well, you probably know that I often put others’ needs and comfort before my own. I’m giving myself license to be as self-centered as I can, for the sake of taking full advantage of my time at school and meeting a lot of different people.
• Reset routines and patterns – I’m pivoting careers (hopefully, eventually). I’m going from a flexible schedule to rigid. I’m going from being a professional to being a humble student starting from zero. This is a time to really see what I can change and what I never even thought to try before. Can I be a morning person after all??
• 2nd adolescence? – I’m turning 36 (18 x 2) this year, so I’ll take it as my second adulthood. Lessons learned I wish I could tell 18 year old me: Boys are mostly terrible so don’t invest too much energy in them if you can help it; ask for help and take it if offered; and the quickest way to finish something is to actually do it. Though my knees know better than to believe “age is just a number”, I can try my best to embrace this fresh try on life.

SMART-ish Goals

Not sure what’s feasible, but not meeting goals have never stopped me from setting them again before…

• Podcast Prototype (goal: 1 episode) – I have two recordings of convos with my friend. I just have to edit it. Or open the files and find out they are trash. Either way.
• Do the Cooking by the Book (goal: 3 out-of-comfort-zone actual followed recipes) – I’ve come to learn I’m what they call an “intuitive” cook. But this means I’ve had the same stir fries, soups, and roasts for a while. Even when I look up new recipes it might just be a spice I haven’t used before, and I make substitutions and omissions left and right and try to cut down steps. Budget permitting, there will be marinades, yogurt sauces, and new flavor profiles to try.
• No More Idle Hands (goal: 3 yarn or other craft projects) – It’s weird how much I notice “I could be knitting right now” when I’m on a meeting or watching a show when I’m trying to relax. I don’t know why it’s so important to me, but I want to try to get that back, especially since it might help with anxiety.
• Yolo solo (goal: something just for me, once a month) – This one is hard to explain and is very broad. Best to work with some examples. Even though I’ve lived alone my entire adult life, I don’t always feel that independent, like I’m waiting for a partner to do activities with, or save “the fun stuff” for friends. Maybe it’s traveling, or watching a movie, or settling in with a nice AAA single-player title. Maybe it’s trying new things like getting at tattoo or a piercing, or renting a car and going for a hike. (Though that’s more of a $$$ thing.)

And those vibes and habits…

• Track that! – I’ve already been keeping quite an inspired tracker and journal spreadsheet if I may say so myself. Though some of it is to nudge me towards better habits, it’s truly more of a log than a check-list. It helps to know what days I’ve had a drink, or when I last sat down to read, but there’s no pressure to do or not do a thing. The product of this tracking will be a couple of colored-in sheets with conditional formatting to sum up my year. Priceless! I might even glean some bonus insights.
• Stay in shapes – Yup, shapes! Generally, I should continue to (and really step up) regular exercise. Weightlifting was my go-to exercise before the pandemic, and I liked seeing steady progress in the form of big plates with numbers on them. But my gym’s been closed for about a year. I’ve done all I can without getting too bored with my selection of weights at home, but I’ve noticed my flexibility has taken a toll! I’m going to try to revisit my more movement-based regimens — things like martial arts, yoga, pole dance.
• Make my house a home – I’ve got at least another 5 months of just staring this place down. Why don’t I make it a better place? Including more regular vaccuuming…
• Don’t forget the music – I don’t know why I’m so resistant to call myself a musician, but making music really is one of my happy places. (Even when it’s not so great. But that’s why it was a music challenge.) Even just singing along to songs releases something in my brain that lets me immediately clear tension and break out of spirals. Especially with my singing group on hiatus, it’s been really easy to forget that this might just be a part of my soul.

Hope to report back soon. Here we go.

All About Me: 2020, Perhaps You’ve Heard of It

I wondered for a 2020 Bingo card if I did in fact make bread this year. Instagram says I did.

Oh hey, 2021. Surprised to see you there. That other year that just left was kind of a special one. Let me tell you about it.

It started out alright, and I was praising the use of sticker charts and treating myself. But then March hit, and starting to read Station Eleven a few months prior was getting eerie. (The book takes place during/after a fictional swine flu epidemic, which began somewhere on the other side of the globe.)

I’m still at my old job, though with the pandemic and focus on racial injustice this year, it’s become like a new job in a lot of ways. Our programming moved online and our web presence became a priority, equity became a hot topic from several angles (e.g. from within organizations, in using behavioral science research), and I got to work remotely minus one day a month, which was much closer to the dream! I still didn’t love some parts of work, but my overall mental health (with regards to work and general everyday logistics) was much better not having to physically be in an office and be “on”.

I went through several phases of “diet”. I use that to mean the general term of just what I am eating, and not necessarily as any sort of weight loss or specific health plan. There was phase one – hunker down and meal plan sensibly because grocery stores are radioactive warzones. There was phase two – well, takeout and delivery is okay and also I have all of this money from not going to bars and I want to support small business so it’s really my civic duty to have Korean fried chicken again. Phase two.five was adding Black-owned restaurants to the no-guilt list, and having Ethiopian food about once a week. I had a brief but enlightening faux keto phase 3, where I did learn how few carbs I actually needed to feel good, and also the depths of my food-related crankiness. Wow, could I get mean. After this I returned to my normal flexitarian diet, and now that it is hibernation weather, I’m basically an infinite carb repository.

I let interpersonal relationship issues overshadow the rest of my life and general ability to function, which is just how I roll and this has nothing to do with 2020. It’s been a rough year in that regard, and a pretty central topic in therapy. I did make a few new friends I couldn’t imagine being without now, and hope they can handle the constant overshare even as we emerge from isolation. 🙃 Though I’m sure a lot of my emotional distress is at least in part due to *gestures at everything*, I know a lot of it was just my normal demons.

First, let’s revisit some of the goals I set, fully realizing that:

1. I didn’t do one of the most important parts of good strategy and goal planning, which is to reassess and modify as key circumstances change.
2. I kind of stopped trying and didn’t think about them, at all. Some of them will probably come as a surprise upon re-read.
3. I have taken to heart everyone telling me that nothing matters this year.

w00t.

Here we go.

2020 SMART goals (specific, measurable, etc):

• Learnin’ some codin’ – goal: practice about 2x/week, ???/300 hours of javascript course
  ✅ – Good thing I didn’t set solid metrics. =P I didn’t work on this all too consistently, but made some sprinting progress towards the end. I solidified some HTML and CSS knowledge with Coursera certificates, and have more in store!
• Untitled Podcast Project – goal: 3 edited eps
  ❌ – Almost recorded another chat session last week, but despite all of this “free time” I was supposed to have this pandemic, it didn’t come together. I haven’t given up yet though. This really seemed like prime time to be recording people’s feelings about video games (i.e. how many 100s of hours of Animal Crossing we’ve played lately) but I felt kind of burnt out as it was.
• What yarncraft is this?! – goal: 2 completed yarn projects
  ❔- Technically I finished up a cat bed I started a few years ago to give to a shelter, but I think that’s the only one I’ve finished this year. I still haven’t gotten back into the groove of yarncrafting and the calm that comes from it, but I’ve had inklings of ideas for projects like I used to, so I think that’s a good sign.
• Where everybody knows my naaaame – goal: video chats twice a month
  ✅ – I think it’s cheating to say I met this goal. The world is run by video chats. As far as the original spirit of the goal goes, I did make some progress in connecting with people that mean a lot to me, and feel better for it.
• Write it down – goal: 2 blog posts a month
  ❌ – “Writing things here will save some of my friends from the 24/7 livechatting as well,” I said. Well I’m sorry to report I have not saved any friends from this fate. To my surprise, journaling has gone way down since being trapped at home mostly with my own thoughts, which was a surprise to me! I’m still going to keep this goal around though.

I give myself a “K” rating.

Stretch goals – somewhat attainable nice-to-haves, but not my initial focus:

• Box zero – goal: no more “permanent” storage boxes in my living space
  ❌ – that’s all I got to say about that. I did have a few short spurts of organization inspiration but not much.
• Embrace my identity – goal: somethingsomething Asian-American
  ❔ – I went through some periods of deep introspection about my identity, both directly (e.g. anti-asian sentiment around the coronavirus, political turnout) and somewhat indirectly (e.g. in relation to being an anti-racist ally to Black people and role in the movement). I feel more aware of my place and my baggage, but I still feel very uncomfortable in my skin.
• Liftin’ heavy – goal: squat bodyweight, 3×5
  🤷‍♀️ – There was no gym for me to really do this in. My kettlebell and I spent a good amount of time together, though. I am renewing my Aaptiv membership and am contemplating Alo Moves. But there are no barbells available to prove my worth.

Keep riding these vibes and habits:

• Flexing mind and body – There are improvements to be made, but I’m arguably in better shape now than I was last year. Then again I was biking several times a week then and I am barely walking that much now…so I should probably think about the accuracy of that statement.
• Eco-consciousness – On top of composting, I’ve been rockin’ more bamboo products and haven’t bought paper towels in a really long time. I think I’ve lost sight of really focusing on this for the sake of it, and it’s a bummer knowing how little consumer-level changes will make in the world, but fewer trips to the trash chute for me!
• Reading is FUNdamental – Some people read more this year than most years. Again ‘cuz of this “free time” I’ve been hearing about. I have not.
• Investing in myself, and spending (smartly) – I’ve been wanting to tally up how much I’ve spent from Facebook ads alone this year. I’m avoiding it a little. But in general, having to spend more time at home on my own has helped me think about purchases differently. My place is homier than ever, though that’s not saying much. I have things that I don’t understand why I went so long without (new sheets, a rug, some space-themed decor), but also overspent “emergency funds” released for the pandemic that mostly went towards video games and takeout.
• Watching what I eat – I am pretty aware of what I’m eating. It’s not great. 😅

Other 2020 notes/firsts:

• Started playing tabletop rpgs, finally! Even if not actually on tables.
• I went on a lot of dates, even if just video. Rivaling 2010. But I know more about what I do and do not need in a partner.
• Made the time to go hiking once and it was one of the greatest days of my year.
• Went to two different wineries! Which were often the backup plan to failed hiking trip plans. ‘Cuz those involve daylight and leaving in the morning.
• I went to a gun range to shoot for the first time. It was as overwhelming as expected.
• Left the home zone to sing at a few protests/rallies, including RBG’s memorial.
• Sqkrz has been in an out of a cone for over 6 months, and it’s been stressful.
• Oh and there was that 30 day music challenge, which was probably my greatest achievement of 2020. 😅

With the privilege of being employed and housed, not having dependents, and a podmate I could walk to and hug if I needed to, I made it through 2020 pretty well, considering.

Goals post to come!

30 Music Challenge, Because the World Shut Down

I can’t believe I posted less than a month ago just bein’ like “hayyy my sticker chart is working and life is so normal ain’t it grand”. Anyway, SARS-CoV-2 is makin’ the rounds and wreaking havoc and the world is not normal right now. Any latent anxiety anyone has about *anything* has been activated.

I have it pretty good. I am still employed, I have plenty to do, and I have friends nearby if I absolutely need something.

I decided to grab a music challenge my friend was doing and just go for it and check off one of my old yearly goals of recording myself learning/performing new songs, except instead of one a month, one a day!

Some will have a karaoke track, an instrument I can hardly play, or who knows what else. Either way, creating is happening!

I’ll update as this goes along:

Day 1 – A song that you sing in the shower: First Aid Kit “Tiger Mountain Peasant Song”

Day 2 – A song with a color in the title: Cary Brothers “Blue Eyes”

Day 3 – A song by your favorite musician: No Doubt “Sunday Morning”

Day 4 – A song you’ve auditioned with: Corinne Bailey Rae “Put Your Records On”

Day 5 – A song you love to sing at karaoke: David Guetta ft. Sia “Titanium”

Day 6 – A song that makes you cry: Joseph Arthur “In the Sun” 

Day 7 – A song that is a challenge for you: GUMI “Catch You Catch Me”

Day 8 – A classic song: Green Greens (Kirby)

Day 9 – A song you’ve performed for an audience: Dido “Thank You”

Day 10 – A song about love: Ingrid Michaelson “Die Alone”

Day 11 – A song about a broken heart: Bonnie Raitt “I Can’t Make You Love Me”

Day 12 – A song from your dream role in a musical: Avenue Q “There’s a Fine Fine Line”

Day 13 – A song from the album you’re taking to a desert island with you: Rebecca Sugar “Love Like You”

Day 14 – A song you’d love to be played at your wedding: A medley of sorts (Hootie and the Blowfish “Only Wanna Be with You” Estelle/Steven Universe “Isn’t it Love?” Imelda May “Falling in Love with You Again”)

Day 15 – A song that’s a cover from another artist: Ryan Adams “Wonderwall”

Day 16 – A song by a female vocalist: Delta Rae “Bottom of the River”

Day 17 – A song by a male vocalist: Coldplay “Fix You”

Day 18 – A song that has a lot of meaning for you: “You Are My Sunshine”

Day 19 – A song that gives you all the feels: Wiz Khalia ft Charlie Puth “See You Again”

Day 20 – A song that helps you when you’re down: Low Millions “Eleanor”

Day 21 – A song with a good memory attached: Yoko Takahashi “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis”

Day 22 – A song from before you were born: Nancy Sinatra “Summer Wine”

Day 23 – A song by an artist that you admire: Ke$ha “Praying”

Day 24 – A song by an artist no longer living: Selena “Dreaming of You”

Day 25 – A song that reminds you of something you would rather forget about: The Fray “You Found Me”

Day 26 – A song that meant a lot to you when you were young: K-Ci & JoJo “All My Life”

Day 27 – A song you never get tired of: Lizzo “Good As Hell”

Day 28 – A song no one would expect you to like: Metallica “Whiskey In a Jar” (just a bit)

Day 29 – A song that you used to love but don’t listen to much anymore: Puddle of Mudd “Blurry”

Day 30 – A song you want to sing that didn’t fit these categories: Billy Joel “And So It Goes”

All About Me: Keep on March-in’ on

Another year of goals and another year of, surprise, not quite being on pace to meet them. But let’s at least have a progress update!

It’s been a long winter, y’all.

I am surprised that it is March. I know I’m not the only one. January felt like a year, February was a long weekend, and now the year is actually underway. And, y’all…I am behind on EVERYTHING. I have quantified it to 4-5 months of being behind, and that’s just on mere tasks. But if I’m behind anyway, what’s an hour to knock out a blog post?

How are my 2020 goals coming along? Let’s give myself some 1st quarter report card grades.

Of the SMART goal variety: B- with some leniency

• Learnin’ some codin’ – goal: practice about 2x/week
  Nope.
• Untitled Podcast Project – goal: 3 edited eps
  Also nope. But I guess technically, I haven’t failed this one yet.
• What yarncraft is this?! – goal: 2 completed yarn projects
  It started well, and I began crocheting a produce bag which would also fit some environmentally friendly goal too. And it was January, and I was reading a book, to boot. But I blinked, it’s not done and here we are.
• Where everybody knows my naaaame – goal: video chats twice a month
  Well I did one in Feb and sort of tried to schedule another. I’m okay with that progress so far.
• Write it down – goal: 2 blog posts a month
  This one counts I assume. And I knew 2/month was going to be a lot. This is also okay. Lofty goals.

Stretch goals – nice-to-haves: C-, but doesn’t count towards my GPA

• Box zero – goal: no more “permanent” storage boxes in my living space
  Some progress. But it’s still a boxville here.
• Embrace my identity – goal: somethingsomething Asian-American
  Went to an AAPI networking happy hour! Whether I continue attending remains to be a seen, but this was a big deal for me.
• Liftin’ heavy – goal: squat bodyweight, 3×5
  I’ve actually been less good at the regular (albeit mild) exercise, AND it’s been hard logistically to bike commute lately. So, no progress.

Vibes and habits: Pass

• Flexing mind and body – See above re: fitness. But I’m not beating myself up about it like I would’ve in my 20s. And I’m still trying to fit in ten min of stretching here and there. It’s a lifestyle thang.
• Eco-consciousness – I got some PLANS. But yeah, still composting, still so aware of garbage, still trying to reduce and reuse. Coronavirus fears are gonna lead to some hoarding though…
• Reading is FUNdamental – One day…
• Investing in myself, and spending (smartly) – So far, the only spending in this category have been fairly cosmetic, but it’s still a welcome boost in self-esteem that carries through to everything. And I have MORE PLANS. If we’re also counting spending time and social lunch money, then I’ve been having some good talks with good people to help me find my way in life!
• Watching what I eat – In an effort to not have to touch gross rotting vegetables reduce food waste, been trying to just get my Hungry Harvest produce in mah belly before they go bad. There’s been an increase in snack foods though, which is not great, but it’s all stuff I like. Can’t put much of a price tag on wanting something and getting it. 🙂

Process comments:

What’s working at the moment:

A sticker chart – It’s a whiteboard, and just dots and not stickers, but it’s the same concept. It’s an idea that was given to me (along with many other tools) from my last coaching session. I’ve been using it for habits I should already have (e.g. flossing) and I feel dumb celebrating it, but every little bit helps! And I’ve been cashing out the dots for rewards. Yep. I’m a child. But I’m also my own mother or teacher in this case. It’s complicated.

The whiteboard has generally been a great purchase for my tempest of a brain.

Exciting projects as carrots – This isn’t very sustainable (and nor is a sticker chart…) but I sure do want to plow through my backlog of less fun things in order to work on the fun ones! This may finally be the year of creating.

Treat mahself – Also not sustainable. (Hmm…a theme here.) But as I mentioned earlier, sometimes a little money goes a disproportionately long way in putting spring in my step. For example, after a month of deliberation, I got some really cool indie nail polish that I’m in love with. Nail polish helps curb my nail biting habit, and I find the whole painting process meditative (and a good way to force yourself to not do anything while your nails are drying), so it’s not all about pretty colors.

Talking to my people – I don’t mean AAPI people, but my networks in general. But talking to people I barely know or know well, gaining new perspectives, bouncing ideas around, keeping myself accountable…it’s been a new practice and it’s going okay.

That’s all till next quarter (or sooner)…

All About Me: 2020 Goals and Vibes

I tried my best to keep my last post positive and without the normal put-downs of what went “wrong” and how I “failed” this past year. Who needs more of that? I’ll try to keep it going for at least one more post.

The past few years, I’ve been judging against some outdated resolutions. I wouldn’t say my priorities have changed drastically, but the imbalances of my life have! (Note the omission of a music goal…I couldn’t stop if I tried.) I’m going to emphasize skills, creation, and community this year. And I will also try not to worry about doing all of these immediately…habits take time and some energy to stick!

2020 SMART goals (specific, measurable, etc):

• Learnin’ some codin’ – goal: practice about 2x/week, ???/300 hours of javascript course
  I would say I’d just finish the freeCodeCamp certification finally, but I have to re-do a lot of work, and that probably can’t happen. I don’t know how to qualify the amount I want to learn this year, so I’ll just be happy with however much, as long as it’s reportable progress. ^_^
• Untitled Podcast Project – goal: 3 edited eps
  I spent a good part of last year getting kind of excited about a podcasting project, to be announced! I could get someone else to edit but I’m a little stubbornly attached and want to see if I can do it myself — creating my own audio drops, music, editing…all of the less fun parts than recording.
• What yarncraft is this?! – goal: 2 completed yarn projects
  I used to knit and crochet quite a bit. Knitting is known to help with anxiety, and it sure makes binging TV and listening to podcasts on the metro feel much more productive. I also almost always knit as a gift for someone else, and so there’s that gift-giving high/community building mumbo jumbo too. I could use an extra sense of accomplishment on the reg.
• Where everybody knows my naaaame – goal: video chats twice a month
  Using the internet as my neighborhood bar. I am kind of known for my solicitation for virtual happy hour and coffee date sessions (with strict cut off times! because I hate awkwardly long goodbyes!), but I tend to end up shying away, even though they’re supposed to be so much more approachable than real meet-ups. I gotta keep making it happen. Ideally a bunch of these will be with family as well, esp the nieces and nephew, who need to know how cool I am with all of my Pokémon knowledge, before they grow out of it.
• Write it down – goal: 2 blog posts a month
  The blogging goal has made a comeback after all! I like journaling. I like writing letters. I like writing articles for work. I guess I like writing. Or rather, I like spewing my thoughts out because keeping them in leads to me muttering to myself when I take the trash out and then exchanging awkward glances once I realize there’s someone behind me. Writing things here will save some of my friends from the 24/7 livechatting as well.

Stretch goals – somewhat attainable nice-to-haves, but not my initial focus:

• Box zero – goal: no more “permanent” storage boxes in my living space
  Not inbox zero, just box. My home is filled with boxes. I am a cat. I am a hoarder. I call it my pile of literal emotional baggage. I don’t think it is at all realistic for me to get rid of all the stuff without a lot more internal and manual work, but I can at least get it down to fewer boxes, to be placed in my apartment storage locker. This will let me have people over more, do more movement-based activities at home, and just generally make me feel so much better.
• Embrace my identity – goal: somethingsomething Asian-American
  This requires a longer post, but I’m sorely in need of getting know “my people” (whichever flavor that might be for we are not a monolith) and embracing my identity. A lot of minorities go through self-hatred of who they are, in both obvious and not obvious ways. I’ve been feeling very isolated, especially in the past few years, in seeing others find community and understanding, and also feeling kind of erased. This would be in the SMART goal section if I knew what I wanted to do exactly (a networking event? self study? interview family?) but I would like to intentionally explore the possibilities.
• Liftin’ heavy – goal: squat bodyweight, 3×5
  One fitness goal to sneak in here. It’s been a while since I consistently lifted, and I’m mostly okay with that. Just not my fave exercise routine right now. If I were to get back into it though, I would like to be able to back squat my bodyweight, 3 sets of 5. I’ve gotten close, but never actually got there (not because of stalling, but because I got bored). But I honestly don’t care too much about this one.

Keep riding these vibes and habits:

• Flexing mind and body – It’s only been about two months, but I have been much better about at least getting up and stretching, working out regularly again, and even meditating (well, to fall asleep, which is doing it wrong, but I also have issues sleeping so I’ll take it).
• Eco-consciousness – My carbon footprint is still quite gargantuan, but this is something I think I’ve taken and stuck to a lot of good steps towards reducing! This year is about sustainable paper products and thinking about other next steps (like weaning myself off of disposable flossers while still maintaining oral hygiene…).
• Reading is FUNdamental – Everyone wants to read more. It’s part experiencing art and culture, part learning, part relaxing brain candy. I’m not doing a book count because I don’t think it’s about numbers and some books just take a longer or shorter time, or just otherwise are better off being abandoned when not fun anymore. It’s just about embracing free time and letting your brain play. (Note: I am not against audiobooks, but since it’s harder for me to get them when I want them, this will just end up being more about reading with m’eyes.)
• Investing in myself, and spending (smartly) – “It’s not enough to survive; you must thrive!” I can be kind of miserly…I took a paycut in life after leaving my first job and it’s been endless financial stress ever since. (Debt-free these days, tho.) I think I’m finally in a more sustainable place and in addition to investing in things like life coaching and fitness (or future debt in schooling), I could stand to let myself enjoy life a bit too. This is starting to take the form of consumerism, so I’ll try to keep it in check. Getting a new backpack that isn’t sagging and falling apart and makes me feel more put together was good. Getting a smart speaker was definitely Black Friday and peer pressure.
• Watching what I eat – I mean this pretty literally. I just want to remain more aware of what I’m eating. This has gone well this last year, with no actual results except one person telling me I looked like I was glowing (“you’re eating more plant-based foods, aren’t you?”). I’m fine with that. I’ve been packing my lunches and snacks, and trying to cut down on meats. Not restricting much, and trying new recipes.

Aite. This is long. And I’m okay with not doing it all. But in trying to be okay with being imperfect, I’m hitting post. Let’s do it 2020!

All About Me: 2019 is an Awkward Number

My top nine of 2019: I still have problems keeping my mouth closed.

Another year, another blog post! 2019: a retrospective.

I never got used to writing “2019”. It’s not a prime number (though it IS semi-prime), but it just felt awkward and out of place. Maybe because of that, the year never felt real, and I couldn’t quite get started. It was a year of planning, introspection, and groundwork…hopefully.

I forgot again to make proper resolutions, so I’m reusing my 2017 ones to check up on (just like I did last year):

1. Making more music, goal: one song a month – Wow. I mostly forgot I had this ambition. I had a good streak of playing the ukulele and guitar more often for fun, but no creations. I have hopes for more! I dropped church choir in the second half of the year in hopes of freeing up some me time, but still joined them for Christmas Eve, and I did miss it. 2017 was a particularly musical time in terms of sheer volume, 2018 brought me some special opportunities I didn’t get to repeat, and 2019 had a few highlights as well (a short bit with Sarah on her upcoming album and singing with Strictly Vocals at the winter concert). I can’t keep expecting these to fall into my lap forever. 2020 shall be a year of creation!
2. More blogging, goal: two posts a month – Noooope. Does Facebook count?
3. Get active, goal: more self-locomotive transport – Did just as well as last year! Another 100+ rides on rideshare, recouping the $85 annual fee. I try to bike home from work most of the time, and I’m in the office more because of a new organization set-up. Biking to work is still quite the elusive goal I’m not even aiming for. There’s a hill. I don’t like that hill. There’s no reason to start the day with that hill. Especially since the office gym showers are still under renovation.
4. Self investment, goal: money into growth, less delivery and drinking – There was still a lot of drinking and eating, but I’ve done a bit of money spending for good! I started receiving coaching with Realize Change, to help me get out of the rut that is my mid thirties. Nothing has really gone as planned, and I need to learn that’s okay and there’s a way to get out. It’s taught me a vulnerability to learn and try new things that I probably should’ve learned when I was a child, or at least in therapy…
   This was just in November, but I also decided to put some money into fitness, and bought a (discounted) year subscription to Aaptiv. (Let me know if you want a 30-day guest pass!) I’m a far cry from the shape I used to be in, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to it. And that should be okay! I don’t have to be. Leaving my apartment is still difficult for me some days, so it’s good I can just put on an audio track, grab my dumbbells, and do a little better than sitting on my couch. I think it’s already been more than worth the $50, even if just for the meditation tracks that put me to sleep.
   I also bought a few things that I would consider luxuries, but I am happier for them. (Shoes! A whiteboard!) More on a later day.
5. Change the world, goal: attend more events – I took an intern to a rally. But other than standard SongRise fare, I did not really get motivated. But I’m working on myself, so I don’t burn out for a year like I just did.

Some more highlights!

• Had a party, if we want to call it that – I invited friends over! I have a lot of shame surrounding my home, as it is filled with clutter, dirt, trash, cat smells, whatever. Usually the only people to see the inside of my apartment are people I am dating (who need to learn who I am eventually) or some very close friends in a fairly impromptu way (“oh, well, you can come over, but I haven’t gotten a chance to clean up [in the past ten years]”). I had a soft housewarming in the form of a Eurovision viewing party. It was still closer friends in the end, and I purposely stretched it out so I don’t think there were more than 3 people here at once, but this was a big deal for me.
• Found another project I hope to love – Not quite ready to announce, but I think it might be fun!
• Packed more lunches! – I go to the office more now, and I get treated to fewer lunches, so buying lunch most of the time was getting to be expensive. In what started as a secular-Lent (secuLent, I cal it) sacrifice, I gave up McDonald’s. This somehow led to immediately packing a lot more from home. It doesn’t matter if it’s healthy (bagels all week week is some of my favorite weeks) but it saves money and probs some unnecessarily junk in my body.
• New experiences – This is probably not unique to 2019, but I kept slightly better track of my activities. I went to Philadelphia to see Twoset Violin (embrace the things you like!), solo drove for the longest I ever have to a friend’s wedding in CT (complete with stops to visit Kensico Cemetery to see Andrew’s grave and to visit an internet friend’s house in NJ), a chill day trip to Baltimore, new restaurants, a movie in a cemetery, tried a little bit of square dancing, three concerts at the Anthem (including Lizzo, which is just sort of the nectar of life)
• I survived – This is a theme for 2019. In an effort to learn self-compassion, I think I need to recognize that even if this year was a non-productive mess and I hate a lot and I have many emotions, I am still here.

2020 SMART goals to come in a separate post!

All About Me: Don’t Get Mad, Don’t Be Mean, 2018

wigs/hats, cats, dogs, and a protest…yeah that’s about right

Sup, non-existent readers! Let’s do the annual blog resurrection!

I didn’t exactly make goals for 2018, so let’s just recycle the 2017 goals. And then talk about these WIGS. Maybe. I mean, people like them on Instagram!

Some big things from this year:

I MOVED.

After 11 years in Virginia, and 9 in my last apartment, I moved into my friend’s (now landlady’s?) studio in SW DC. It took a lot of downsizing, Zipcars, forgiving and amazing people, and about 4 solid months of constant preoccupation. It was a big deal for me…I don’t do change well, and after so many years, my last apartment felt like home. I also have a known and on-going issue with clutter which has followed me to my new place. It’s been six months, and the neighborhood doesn’t feel familiar yet, but it turns out all I need is any bed and any cat (okay, I love my current foster especially so) and I’m good to go.

Love and heartbreak and love and heartbreak and repeat.

It happens, y’all. But it took up some of my time.

My office moved.

This is not so significant, but it also took up some time. And because I had spent the better part of the first half of the year preparing for a home move, resiliency against change was low, and to rigid ol’ me, this year basically lacked any sort of routine.

Ongoing feeling of a loss of history.

A little too personal to flesh out, but I’m more and more able to acknowledge pieces of my past without cringing about how it all turned out.

 

With those in mind, let’s tawk about how 2018 went. Since I didn’t make any goals, we’ll just use last year’s.

1. Making more music, goal: one song a month – I feel like this was a trap. I am musicked out regularly, and side project time was low! This goal has been off my radar for a while. So I didn’t make more recordings (at least for public consumption). I did keep singing with SongRise and with a new church choir. I also took a gig singing The Messiah, as one does. And through a SongRise connection, I got to sing with Aztec Sun, a great local funk band. I didn’t exactly make more music as I had previously defined, but especially towards the end in December, I really tried to collaborate as much as I could! That sounds like a good goal to ponder.
2. More blogging, goal: two posts a month – Noooope
3. Get active, goal: more self-locomotive transport – This went okay I think! I have without a doubt been bike-sharing more. I’ve taken 100+ ten minute trips or longer in 2018, which I’m choosing to believe were trips that I would’ve otherwise rideshared or taken the metro. On the whole, however, I don’t think I got more active and I’m definitely softer, haha. But lifestyle changes, I suppose! Part of why I’ve biked more is because the public transit commute is longer from my new place…but this also means my Lyft and Uber budget has been out of control when I’m running late.
4. Self investment, goal: money into growth, less delivery and drinking – I am too lazy to see where my money went. It did not go towards growth, though.
5. Change the world, goal: attend more events – I don’t even know where SongRise takes me to these days. Two from my Instagram top nine correspond to the DC Pride Festival (we met MILCK!) and one of several anti-Kavanaugh rallies and events. I didn’t feel personally active (and I got really bad at journaling this year!) so there is very much more room for improvement! I have given more thought to where I want my work hours to go, though.
6. Other things that went right – I’m a terrible judge of my own triumphs. I’m willing to be kind to myself and assume I spent some of my time doing something worthy or indicative of growth. Based on my top nine, looks like I embraced the wig game (and I LOVE my rainbow wig) and kinda sorta cosplayed a Ren Faire style Amethyst, which I’ll choose to believe demonstrates a comfortable sense of self and greater self-expression.

Though I’m tempted to procrastinate from work more and come up with 2019 goals, I think I should at least take a meal or commute to think about it. This set from the past few years ain’t bad, but I think it could use some re-prioritizing.

Tschüß!